I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
