also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
His nipple licking is glorious
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