You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
