my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
