I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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