you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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