we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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