I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
