the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
