For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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