farters have to be the big spoon...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
