I just pynch a tree in the face
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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