Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
