i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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