I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
