I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
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