Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
there was a trapeze. enough said
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
