Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
