Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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