He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
