She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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