After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
