Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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