he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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