Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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