so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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