When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
They are going to name an STD after you.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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