How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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