genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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