is your mom at the bar?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
