Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
