I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
