I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
