I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize