Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
