Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
