I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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