im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
