Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
