I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
