pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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