My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
