How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
