I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
