He uses pillows to masturbate.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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