apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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