eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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