I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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