So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
