sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
