Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
