I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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