So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
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She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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