can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
