I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
